Musings

Regaining some sanity

2005-07-24T17:00:00.000-07:00

I think I am slowly coming back to normal again after my very scary bout with insanity. Im still having more bad days than good but then before I wasnt having ANY good days. Some some is better than none right?

My therapist has told me that I need to regain some structure in my life. After having gone back to work this last week I have come to the conclusion that lack of structure may be a part of my problem. I have wanted to start writing more and more but get frustrated at the chaos that is my desk, my time, my life. So I need to start getting myself organized. Keep in mind that I saw my therapist on Monday and it is now Sunday so Im not making huge strides but.....

We saw Jeremys brother today. He has finished his screenplay. I have to admit I dont care for the plot but I love seeing how excited he is about his progress and I think it is beginning to get me motivated about my own progress on my novel. No, I still havent started but Im getting closer. Im starting to work on some characters in my head. Maybe getting some of this on paper will be more theraputic than I realize. I am hoping so.

Trip to Emergency, Take 2

2005-07-09T18:51:00.000-07:00

...because obviously, the first trip didnt take.....

I had another bad attack on Wednesday. This one didnt have any out and out reason for starting. It just did. By the time we left to go to the hospital I thought about taking pills to end it. I was so tired of the ride this has taken me on.

Yesterday I got to the doctor and he informed me that there was a hormone level that was elevated that is effecting the way my pancreas works and in turn, affecting everything else. So my therapist is right, it is partially physical. So after he wrote 4 prescriptions, yup, 4, I started feeling better. 2 anti depressants, one insulin rx and 1 for anxiety attacks. My bathroom counter looks like a drug store.

My mother called today to see how I was feeling. (She neglected to call Thursday on my birthday but...) When I told her I was quesy from the effexor she informed me she had a month of quesiness when she first started taking it. (Did I mention that this is genetic?)
(Note to self: Need to rethink having children)

A Trip to Emergency.....

2005-07-01T19:23:00.000-07:00

Yes...I had the biggest breakdown to date on Thursday night.

To make a long story short Ive come to the conclusion that I hate my job. I KNOW that its not the only thing wrong with me. But to make a long story short I asked for a transfer. After the day ended I lost it. I met up with Jeremy and ended up in hysterics. I couldnt breathe. I was having chest pain. I couldnt feel my hands or my head for that matter. They gave me a dose of anti anxiety meds, ran an EKG and sent me home.
The next day I found out my request was denied.
Im not getting any better. They asked me to take the rest of this week and all of next week off. Im not seeing any changes. Ive balled like a baby all day. I truly hate myself right now.
I saw the therapist on Monday. She thinks it may be mostly physical. The doctor had me take some bloodwork yesterday and hopefully it will turn up some sort of abnormality but Im not betting on it.

What a Monday

2005-06-20T20:28:00.000-07:00

Im not sure what I expected to come back to when I came back to work on Monday after being gone since Wednesday morning. It was bad though.

Apparently Im a terrible trainer. I have to basically retrain both of them from scratch and that didnt end well today. But thats a story that will likely be continued for tomorrow.

I also stepped down from being a Team Leader. I think for the time being it will be best. I just dont care anymore. Ill make the effort to care from 8-5 but anything more than that and I get really pissed off.

Last week after the major breakdown I went to go sign up for therapy. I was told that I would get a call on Thursday or Friday of last week. That didnt happen. When I called them this morning I was told that the Dr had my file and I should hear something by the end of the week. WHAT!?!?! I basically told the lady that I wouldnt be back as my situation is more dire than waiting a week to get a phone call and lord knows how much longer after that to get an appointment. I talked to Julie last ngiht and she gave me the names of some people that she had worked with or studied under in the past and I called one of them today. She seemed very nice and we played phone tag all afternoon but the message she left for me last was that she would call me between 6-7 this evening. Well that didnt happen. Im bothered by that. So Ill wait to hear from her tomorrow and if I dont hear anything by 5pm Ill move on to the next name. Does everyone who seeks therapy go through this? It hardly seems right.

Mid Life Crisis?

2005-06-19T17:48:00.000-07:00

Im turning 30 next year.

Most people I know hear that and think, "Wow, Id give anything to be 29 again." I'd give anything to be 18 again and starting with a clean slate.

When I had one of my minor breakdowns a couple of weeks ago Jeremy and I had a long talk about how I originally pictured my life. I pictured myself married and having babies by the time I was 25. I went to college to meet a husband. *gasp* (Cant believe Im even admitting that). There I found myself near the end of college with no husband and no prospects for one. Nor did I have any interest in the field that I had chosen. (Thus my decision to not even finish school with less than a semester to go.)

Jeremy is a wonderful man. But I think we are two extremely different people. I have always wanted to children. (Even though recently I have figured out that my chances of having one the way God intended are slim to none.) He doesnt want any. He says its because we cant afford them but I think it goes beyond that. I dont want a child TODAY. But Im not getting any younger. When I ask him about children in the future he really never gives me an awnser or "We'll cross that bridge when we come to it. I told my sister Wednesday when we met for lunch that I am coming to the conclusion that her kids may have to be the only kids I get. Coming to that conclusion doesnt make me happy about it.

I also wonder if Ill ever be mentally ready. I dont feel like that so much now.

This morning I went to get a Sunday paper and saw an article on the front page about a girl that I knew when she was young through my sisters beauty pagents. She grew up and went off to New York where she tried to fill her void with men and drugs. My understanding is that she commited suicide. She wrote something that really spoke to the core of my sadness right now. "The tears are big and fat and they slide down my cheeks before I even realize I am sad."

Im tearing up just typing that. Thats what it was like for me on Wednesday. I still dont know what's wrong with me but I wish it would reveal itself before I lose all control.

Starting Over...

2005-06-19T15:47:00.000-07:00

I had a major breakdown last week. I have minor ones every once in awhile that I think are major but I now know that isnt the case. Last Wednesday I came to work and I couldnt stop crying. I was completely non functional. Once my boss arrived I really lost it. Things have been bad for me lately. Turns out I havent been functioning at the level I should for quite some time. It also happens that my whole life has been that way. I was so depressed last week. If Jeremy hadnt been there I dont know what would have happened to me. I felt that low.After she called my sister and we had a chance to talk and she felt comfortable that I wouldnt do anything stupid she sent me home for the rest of the week. Well, for Wed and Thursday. I already had Friday off for surgery.Im not sure what is wrong with me. I have never had such a low self image. I think this may be some sort of mid life crisis. Im not really sure to be honest.Now that the surgery is over I feel better physically but something deeper than that is troubling me. I signed up for therapy on Thursday. (The irony is they havent called me back to set any appointments like they said they would.) Yesterday we drove up to spend some time with my family and I went to church. It felt good to go. I havent really been in awhile. Mainly just holidays. I just needed to surround myself with people who love me. And even if they dont, tonight it felt like they did. I feel like Im coming back but it has been a painful process so far. Really Painful.

Retooling

2005-05-31T19:36:00.000-07:00

So Im giving up the kink....

..for awhile anyhow.....

I wasnt that really kinky to begin with....

I just think I need to be sure that this identity crisis isnt tied to some sudden urge to be submissive to J but not to anything else in my life. And I really have no urge to be submissive. My nature is fighting EVERYTHING in my life right now. I just wish I knew why.

I cant figure it out....

2005-05-16T17:55:00.000-07:00

Im having a hell of a time these days.

And it didnt help that today was Monday.

My mother called me this morning to tell me that she was having a BBQ in June on a day when I already had plans. Unfortunately I cant back out because she is having my inlaws up and this is for my birthday. (Which by the way is 2 weeks afterwards.) Didnt bother to ask if I had plans. (She already knew I did.) When I called her back this evening to ask that she just give me a heads up next time all I got was "Well we dont have to do it. We can just do it NEXT SUMMER." Argh. Thats soooo not what I meant. She makes me feel like Im 12.

I asked Master if we could ease up on the BDSM stuff for awhile. My head just isnt in it lately. Dont get me wrong...The sex lately has been WONDERFUL...I just have some sort of demon plaguing my soul right now. (Thats awfully dramatic but I cant think of another way to put it). I feel lousy about myself and Im not sure why. I feel like Im losing weight but at the same time I also feel like a fat cow. Ive never felt that before in the middle of weight loss. I feel like anyday now J is going to wake up and look at me and say, "Youre so not worth it." He can tell me otherwise until he's blue in the face. Something tells me that it will happen. I try not to be such a downer on him but sometimes I just burst into tears and I have to tell him whats wrong. I love him so much and I dont want to ever lose him but at the same time I dont want to smother him either. I just feel like we are spinning our wheels. I am in uncharted territory. Ive never been in a relationship that lasted more than 9 months. We are going on 2 1/2 years. I definately want to spend the rest of my life with him but I also dont want to get much more emotionally invested if he is just going to up and leave. Argh. Am I nuts?

More Random Stuff

2005-05-11T19:42:00.000-07:00

Well Barbara died about three weeks ago. I think she lasted longer than anyone thought she would.

Ive been incredibly depressed lately. I cant put my finger on it. I have just had these overwhelming feelings of not being able to do anything right. There is no particular reason for it. I just feel incredibly anxious and nervous and sad and cranky and scared. Im scared that Master will leave me one day. Im scared that this minor surgery will reveal that I have some sort of cancer. I just feel incredibly alone. Im not. Intellectually I know Im not but I sure do feel that way.

I had other things I wanted to write about tonight but the words arent coming the way they should.

Some Random Stuff

2005-04-22T19:45:00.000-07:00

I miss Master. I hate that he closes on Thursdays again. I feel like I never see him. He's probably tell you we spend plenty of time together. *sigh* I just hope that he gets home at a decent hour. I was hoping to have a nice....strike that.....naughty romantic evening........

(20 min later)

We are off for a nice romantic dinner.....

But while he gets ready.....

(Several hours later)

He got ready quickly.....

Dinner was yummy. I highly recommend the Shabu Shabu. But now Im exhausted.

So Barbara is still hanging on. My mother talked to her yesterday. She told her, 'I think God forgot about me.' I cant take much more sadness.

I reading back to my entry a couple of weeks ago. I think I may just be kidding myself thinking that I can have children. Maybe I should just have it all removed. It might solve some of the tension around here. ( especially since its been nearly six months since I've had a period. )

Im tired and I feel like maybe im just ranting like a lunatic.

Barbara

2005-04-17T21:08:00.000-07:00

So I got a call this week from my mother saying that Barbara wasnt doing well. Barbara is my sisters mother in law and has always been a very warm and friendly lady. Ive never known her when she was cancer-free. She found out a couple weeks ago that she has another blocakage and didnt want to go through all the measures needed to fix that. She is just ready to die. Can you imagine?

I dont handle illness and death well. I never know what to say. I had, in my own mind, said my goodbyes to her when Mom called last week. I got a phone call last night that changed all that. My sister called me to ask that I either call or come up and see her as she wanted to say her goodbyes to me as well. I wasnt about to refuse. I could never refuse her.

Master was wonderful. He went along with me and we spent the whole morning with Barbara. Well, I spent the whole morning with her. Im not sure what master thought of the whole experience.

She basically just had some things that she wanted to say to me, that she wished for me.

She told me that she had a dream about me a few days prior. That she saw me in the kitchen with a child around my ankles cooking dinner. "I see that for you. I never saw that with your sister. Youre sister makes a wonderful mother but I never saw that for her."

Bear in mind, I have never shared my wants or dreams with Barbara. Ive never told her that I want children or marriage. In fact, there are very few people on this planet who know just how important those things are to me simply because I have a very hard time sticking up for the things I want and need. Im not even sure Master knows and he knows me better than anyone.

I have been an outsider basically,(Of my own choosing due to other obligations) but she has always accepted me as family. I have always considered her a part of my family for that reason but I have never gotten the opprotunity to have a very deep relationship with her. I have never shared my desire for children. I have never shared just how important family is to me. Yet she managed to picture this perfect scenario of a life that she wishes me to have. Seeing her today broke my heart. I know that I wont see her again in this life but I somehow know that she will always be my guardian angel. It seems to me like she has already been practicing.

Surgery Scheduled

2005-04-10T19:38:00.000-07:00

Well I have surgery scheduled for June 17th to remove what the doctor is calling a 'polyp' in my uterus but it looked to me like a mass of calcified cells . The doctor called them a bunch of tiny popcorn kernels. The first thing out of my mother in laws mouth was, "When are you going to have them take everything out so you dont have to keep going through this?" Yeah. My inability to have children would solve all my problems.

Ive felt so sad this week. Im not entirely sure why either. Ive been mostly functional. Maybe even more functional on some level. Im making plans to have Masters mother and sister in law over for a rubber stamping class the week after my surgery. I think the planning and cleaning is mainly to just keep my mind off things.

I was thinking today about how when I was growing up I never saw much of my adulthood in front of me. I made very few plans. I know that whatever 'this' is...its not serious. But its just another roadblock. Maybe God didnt want me to make any serious plans? Am I just beating myself into the ground by trying to plan? Is it a complete fucking waste of time?

Wound Up

2005-04-05T20:59:00.000-07:00

I know its been awhile since Ive written. I feel it. Im wound up tighter than well.....Im wound up.

Lots has happened since I last wrote. I finally got my pay raise. (Although the hours Ive been working dont make it seem like such a great thing now).My one and only employee got arrested. The employee hired to replace him is nice but took a LONG time to catch on.

On the home front Master and I float in and out of the lifestyle. We had a heart to heart about kids the other night. Ive been having some medical problems that relate to being female. For a brief and scary moment I thought I might have been pregnant. I decided to play an April Fools joke on Master and he didnt like it. And I didnt like his response. It broke my heart. We are on stable ground again but for awhile I felt like I was in limbo. I actually thought that I should have left for a split second because I want to have a child someday and he made it clear to me that he didnt. I snapped out of that mode real quick but Ive been edgy and on the verge of tears ever since. I dont know if it has something to do with the fact I havent had a period in MONTHS or WHAT. I just feel antsy and like a bit of a basket case tonight for some reason and I cant figure out why.

Master fucked me in the ass for the first time last week. (Two weeks now?) What a truly bizarre and interesting sensation. It really was amazing. Like losing my virginity all over again but this time I was experienced? Does that make any sense?

This morning...

2005-02-21T18:13:00.000-08:00

I was woken up by the most delicious man wanting my body. Master took me this morning in a way he hasnt done in a very long time......

You know when you first start a relationship and youre wild about each other and cant keep your hands off each other? Sleep is the least important thing to you because you dont want to miss any time together? Thats what we went through early on. I think somehow we lost that as time progressed. It was nice to get that back this morning even if it was only for a brief time.

Today I looked into involving other people in our play time. I made a call to an old friend who mentioned parties that he went to. Im anxious for Master to get home so I can talk to him about it.

I didnt do a whole lot of anything today. I had the day off for the holiday. I was a couch potatoe for the whole morning. This afternoon I went to get three geocaches. Two of them had been bugging me for a while. I found all three. Then when I cam home I commenced with the organizing. Yeah. Its not cheap to get orgainzed. *sigh* I need a personal assistant. Wouldnt that be nice? I wish I had unlimited amounts of money at my disposal because I think thats what I would do first is hire a personal assistant.

Last night.....

2005-02-20T18:12:00.000-08:00

....master and I discussed the possibilties of meeting other couples who participate in the BDSM lifestyle. I have some mixed feelings about it.

Master has never been a jealous man. When he posed the question from the BDSM checklist of boundaries about whether I would feel comfortable being passed to another DOM I delicately put it back on him. Ive always had this fantasy about a scene with multiple people involved. I havent ever experienced it and dont know that if I did experience it that I would enjoy it. I asked him point blank if he could watch another man fuck me. He said he could. I wasnt sure how to feel about that. Im pretty sure that I couldnt watch him with another woman. Maybe Im the one who isnt ready...

Do you ever.....

2005-02-14T18:34:00.000-08:00

..feel like you are going through life doing what you feel is probably the 'right' thing to do and wake up one morning and youre 20 SOMETHING and you dont know where your life has gone?

Ill be 29 this year. Im in a job thats stable but Im not convinced I should be doing it. Im in love with a wonderful man who must think Im a moron for my up and down moods and must really wonder why there are days I just dont want to 'play' but Im the one who usually initiates it. (At least lately). I guess I just feel really unsettled. In Limbo. Why is that?

Out of town fucking....

2005-02-12T20:17:00.000-08:00

I will not lie and say that this was the first out of town fucking experience Ive had. But it ranks number one. :)

But Im getting ahead of myself....

Earlier this week I found out that Master bought an anal plug. Ive never tried one and have been open to the idea of ass play. Sort of. Well on Wednesday night we tested it. I taped Alias. It was well worth it. What a completely foreign sensation. Master was wonderful and did not push too hard. He was even a bit apprehensive about fucking me. "Wont it get a bit crowded down there?" JUST DO IT! :)

I love the fact that we are learning these boundaries together. We tried the plug again this morning and I came face to face with just how big my ass has gotten. It nearly swallowed the plug whole. *sigh* So I start back to dieting tomorrow. Im not sure what that all entails yet, but I have to.

Master fucked me hard this morning. I dont know if it was the morning mountain air or the breakfast but he hasnt fucked me that hard in a long time. Id be more descriptive but the mood was lost for me when I realized the butt plug had all but disappeared. Im not entirely sure yet that it's for me.....

Is it okay to be irritated?

2005-02-07T21:32:00.000-08:00

So I know I am new to this whole submission thing but damn. Im irritated. What ever happened to the good ole days when a blowjob was offered up it was accepted with NO questions asked.

I had a INCREDIBLY long day at work. I never saw the sun. My boss is still out though she managed to make it in for a hour this morning before the baby took another turn so I was holding down the fort again. I have to report at 7am (which by the way is an hour LATER than I have been going in lately) to let the DSL guy in the building. Im irritated because its my down day. It'll be a LONG down day. All I wanted to do tonight when I got home was have a nice quiet evening, but not too quiet.

Master came home about 730 with a headache. I smiled and told him the cure for a headache was orgasm. After dinner we were on the couch and I was working my way that direction while he was watching TV. "What are you doing?" was the words I got with a non playful tone attached.

Apparently Im not doing anything.

Argh

2005-02-04T21:16:00.000-08:00

Im not sure how but my one and only comment got deleted when I installed haloscan *grumble mumble*I hate this tech stuff.

2005-02-04T20:49:00.000-08:00

Haloscan commenting and trackback have been added to this blog.

What a week

2005-02-04T20:19:00.000-08:00

So I havent been around much. Ive been working like a mad dog. And Im working again tomorrow which BLOWS since Master and I had planned for a day of personal play time.

My boss has been out of the office since Wednesday. Her daughter in law gave birth on Thursday and the baby isnt doing well at all. Today when she called me at 425pm I was supposed to be getting the hell out of dodge for an evening with my folks. The baby was being moved to the childrens hospital and has some sort of lung infection. Considering it was nearly 2 months premature...yeah....there will be complications but she called crying. And then proceeded to ask how things were going. Umm. Fine in comparison. I was helping one of the girls balance out hwen I just couldnt breathe. It was all I could do not to cry myself. I called my mother and explained that I wouldnt be coming up tonight as I didnt feel I could safely make the drive. Ill see them Sunday for Super Bowl anyhow.

I feel incredibly lousy right now. Master has been wonderful and has tried not to push me too hard this week. I commented to him that since we started this that it seems like we've had less sex than we did before. I wonder if thats normal? I guess we havent been in that MODE. Master has a hard time putting his foot down when Im in no mood for sex. (Did I just admit that there are times Im not in the mood for sex?)

Next weekend we are going to fuck out of town. Weve never fucked out of town before *grin*

Ouch

2005-01-31T18:18:00.000-08:00

Master and I went up and got the pincushion cache yesterday. I never thought I would make it. As my reward for finishing, I dont have to exercise the rest of the week as the hike counts as 2 times. It should count as three but we compromised and Im done this week if I want to be. Im incredibly sore. Although I had a ton of energy today. Im not sure if it was the hike, the starbucks, or the extra B6 vitamin I took but it felt great. I booked our overnight getaway for V-Day weekend tonight. I need to call and see if I can get a king size bed. The website wouldnt let me guarantee one. Life is good right now. Im keeping my fingers crossed :)

Rebirth

2005-01-29T22:51:00.000-08:00

So why is it that whenever I am without Master someone tries to fix me up?

Ok OK. Maybe she wasn't trying but if I hear, "You know, my son has been divorced for sometime now." Im gonna scream. This is the reason why I hate it when he has to work. Im sorry. I cant help it.

So today was Nico's baptism. It really was a very cool event. And he didn't cry. Not once. Even when they were pouring the water over his forehead. It was very cool.

I have to work tomorrow. Well I don't HAVE to work tomorrow, but if I don't put in at least a few hours tomorrow Ill be stressed out all week. We have been trying to get some serious playtime in this week and we just haven't. Ive been too fucking tired.

Geez...

2005-01-28T18:11:00.000-08:00

So Im beginning to think this week wasnt a good week to start . Im to exercise 2-3 times a week. All I want to do is sleep and eat. Im exhausted. I guess it was just 'one of those weeks'. But damn...

Ive been thinking about Valentines day weekend and I think Im going to find a hotel somewhere here in town that we can escape to. Going out of town is just too damn expensive. It might be kind of fun. Might be. Maybe. Mostly.

And so it begins....

2005-01-27T19:17:00.000-08:00

Master and I have been beating( pun intended) around the idea of diving further into the BDSM lifestyle for some time. Last night, I finally received my list of expectations. One of the items expected of me is to keep a journal and actively update twice a week. Tonight Im just setting it up....with a few thoughts of course...

Im very excited that we have put this side of our relationship in motion. It brings me great comfort. I have not figured out why. Im sure however that I will with time.

Thanks to Shimmer (kinneret.net) for sending me to this site. It was great to talk to you again. I promise not to talk to you in the grocery store anymore :)